A property management firm decides to dismiss Gareth, an operations coordinator, after a year of documented performance problems and a formal process. The decision is sound. His manager, Lucy, dreads the meeting and delays it until four o’clock on a Friday.
She begins by asking about his weekend plans. She talks for several minutes about how much everyone likes him and how hard he has tried. Gareth, uncertain where this is going, begins to hope it is good news. When she reaches the point, “so, we’ve decided to go in a different direction”, he asks what that means. She says, “It’s just not working out.” He asks whether it is about the March report. She begins to discuss the March report. Twenty-five minutes later they are arguing over details. He is walked to his desk by a colleague from HR, in view of the open-plan office, to collect his coat. The following week he consults a solicitor. He does not dispute that his performance was poor. He says he was humiliated.
Dismissing someone is among the most difficult things a manager does, and it is done badly more often than almost any other management task. Very few managers are trained for it. Most do it only a handful of times. And the discomfort is strong enough to distort behaviour in predictable ways: delay, vagueness, over-explaining or coldness.
This matters because the way a dismissal is carried out has consequences separate from the decision. It affects whether the person brings a claim, how quickly they recover and what everyone else in the organisation concludes. This guide concerns the conversation, on the assumption that the decision has been properly made.
Treatment drives the aftermath.
People who feel they were dismissed with dignity very rarely bring claims; those who feel humiliated often do.
Say it in the first thirty seconds.
Small talk and euphemism are for the manager’s comfort and make it worse for the person.
Brief, clear, kind, final.
One sentence for the decision, one or two for the reason, then the terms, the letter and a dignified exit.
Does the way you dismiss someone really affect what they do next?
Yes, and the evidence is unusually direct.
In interviews with nearly a thousand people who had been dismissed or laid off, the strongest predictor of whether they considered or filed a wrongful-termination claim was how they felt they had been treated at the point of termination. Among those who felt they had been treated with a high degree of fairness and dignity, the rate of filing claims was under 1%. Among those who felt they had been treated very unfairly, it was around 17%.
The dismissal itself, the reasons for it and even the financial package mattered less than the treatment. People who are told honestly, treated with respect and given an explanation are much less likely to seek redress, even when they disagree with the decision.
This is the fair process effect at its sharpest; see our guide to organisational justice. A dismissal is about as unfavourable as an outcome can be, which is the circumstance in which process counts most.
What is the person experiencing?
Loss, on several levels at once.
Income and security. The immediate, practical fear.
Identity. For many people, work is a large part of who they are. “What do you do?” is the first question strangers ask.
Status. In front of colleagues, family and friends.
Routine and relationships. The structure of the week and the people in it.
Control. Something decisive has been done to them.
The brain responds to this as a serious threat. In the first minutes, most people take in very little. They hear the first sentence and then a blur. Their reactions vary and are not a guide to character.
| Reaction | What it looks like | Helpful response |
|---|---|---|
| Shock | Silence, blankness, “I don’t understand” | Pause. Repeat the key message simply. Put it in writing |
| Anger | Raised voice, accusations, “this is unfair” | Stay calm. Acknowledge. Do not argue the case |
| Distress | Tears, visible fear about money or family | Allow time. Offer water, a tissue, a moment |
| Bargaining | “What if I…”, “Give me another month” | Be clear that the decision is final |
| Calm acceptance | “I thought this might be coming” | Proceed, without assuming they are fine |
Why do managers get it wrong?
Because their own distress takes over. Andrew Molinsky and Joshua Margolis, who studied managers carrying out what they called “necessary evils”, found that the emotional difficulty leads to several characteristic failures.
Delay. Lucy put it off until late on Friday. Delay prolongs a situation that is bad for everyone, and where the person senses it coming, it is cruel.
Burying the message. Small talk and praise at the start are for the manager’s benefit. They raise the person’s hopes and then destroy them, which is the worst possible sequence.
Euphemism. “Going in a different direction” and “not working out” leave the person unsure what has happened. They should not need to ask whether they have been dismissed.
Over-explaining. Guilt drives managers to justify. Each justification invites a rebuttal, and the meeting turns into a debate about a decision that is not open to debate.
Detachment. Some managers cope by becoming procedural and cold, reading from a script without looking up. It is experienced as contempt.
Making it about themselves. “This is really hard for me” may be true. It is not the person’s concern today.
The discomfort of delivering bad news leads people to delay it, soften it into ambiguity or delegate it. Each of these makes the experience worse for the person receiving it.
How should you prepare?
Thoroughly. Preparation is what allows a manager to be both clear and humane under pressure.
- The decision is final, properly authorised and legally reviewed
- I know the exact terms: last day, notice, pay, holiday, benefits, reference
- A letter confirming everything is ready to hand over
- I have written and rehearsed my first two sentences
- A second person, usually from HR, will be present
- The room is private and the person can leave without crossing the office
- I know how belongings, equipment and system access will be handled respectfully
- I know what will be said to the team, and when
- Support is arranged: outplacement, employee assistance, a named contact
Timing. Conventional advice favours early in the week and early in the day, so that the person can reach advisers, start making plans and not spend a weekend alone with the news. Avoid birthdays, significant personal dates and the day before a holiday where you reasonably can.
Place. Private, neutral and with an exit that does not require walking past colleagues.
Who. The person’s own manager should deliver the message. Passing it to HR or a more senior stranger tells the person that their manager could not face them. An HR colleague attends as witness and to explain the terms.
How should the conversation run?
Briefly. Ten to fifteen minutes is usual. The meeting is to inform, with respect, and to explain what happens next. It is not a review of the past.
Say it at once. “Gareth, I have difficult news. We have decided to end your employment. Your last day will be today, and you will be paid your notice.”
Give the reason briefly. “As we’ve discussed over the past several months, the role requires accurate reporting to deadline, and that hasn’t reached the standard we need.” One or two sentences, consistent with what has been said before and with what is in the letter.
Stop. Let there be silence, and let the person react. This is the hardest moment and the one in which managers most often begin talking again.
Acknowledge without reopening. “I know this is very hard to hear.” If they dispute the decision: “I understand you see it differently. The decision is final, and I’d like to use this time to make sure you know what happens next.”
Explain the terms. Final pay, notice, holiday, benefits, the reference, the return of equipment and whom to contact. Hand over the letter, because they will not remember the details.
Close with dignity. Thank them for specific contributions if you mean it. Say how the next hour will go.
What should you avoid?
- Debating. The meeting is not a hearing. The opportunity to respond came earlier in the process.
- New reasons. Do not introduce criticisms the person has not heard before. Give no reason other than the real one.
- Comparisons with colleagues.
- False hope. “Maybe in the future” and “we’ll see what we can do”.
- Blame-shifting. “It wasn’t my decision” undermines the organisation and insults the person.
- Apologising for the decision. You may be sorry it has come to this. Do not suggest the decision is wrong.
- Predictions. You do not know that they will be fine.
Say nothing in the meeting that is inconsistent with the documented reason for dismissal. A kind-sounding alternative explanation, such as “it’s really a restructuring” when the cause is performance, is the kind of inconsistency that turns a defensible dismissal into a losing case. Dismissal law differs greatly between countries, so have the process and the wording reviewed beforehand.
How should the exit from the building be handled?
With as much dignity as security allows. Being escorted through an open office by HR, as Gareth was, is a public humiliation and is seldom necessary.
Research on termination practices, including experimental work by Mark Wood and Steven Karau, suggests that elements signalling distrust, such as an unneeded security presence, increase the dismissed person’s anger and sense of unfairness.
Where there is a real risk, to systems, data or safety, take proportionate precautions quietly. Where there is not, offer choices: collect belongings now or return after hours, or have them sent. Let the person decide whether to say goodbye. Removing system access is reasonable. Doing it before the conversation, so that the person learns of their dismissal from a failed login, is not.
This is where the peak-end rule is harshest. The person will remember the job by its last hour.
What do you tell the team?
Promptly, briefly and without detail. People will notice, and silence breeds speculation.
“Gareth has left the company as of today. I’m not going to go into the reasons, out of respect for him. Here is how his work will be covered.” Do not criticise the person. Do not pretend it was voluntary if it was not, since people usually know. Be prepared for the question the team is really asking, which is “am I safe?”, and answer it honestly.
How colleagues interpret the dismissal depends on whether they see it as fair. Where a persistent performance problem was visible to all, the team may be relieved. Where it appears arbitrary or harsh, they revise their own expectations of the employer, a process described in our guide to layoff survivors.
What about the manager afterwards?
Dismissing someone is distressing even when it is right, and it is healthy to recognise that. Managers who have done it describe poor sleep before and after, guilt and replaying the conversation.
Talk it over with someone suitable: HR, your own manager or a mentor. Go back over what went well and what you would change. The aim is not to stop minding. A manager who feels nothing has usually achieved that through detachment, at a cost to the people on the other side of the table.
It is also worth examining what led to this point. Was the hiring decision sound? Were expectations clear at the outset? Was feedback given early and honestly? Was the improvement process real? The guides on structured interviews, feedback and the psychology of a PIP deal with the stages at which a dismissal can sometimes be avoided. For the legal framework, see our guide to terminating an employee legally.
Write your first two sentences and say them aloud three times before the meeting. Under stress, people revert to what they have rehearsed. If the only words you have practised are the clear, kind ones, those are the words that will come out.
Gareth’s claim was settled. The firm’s solicitor observed that the documentation of his performance had been good and that the case would probably have been defended successfully, but that the account of the Friday afternoon would not have read well. Lucy now tells new managers what she learned: the decision took a year to reach properly, and she undid much of that in the first five minutes by trying to be nice instead of being clear.
Frequently asked questions
How do you tell an employee they are being terminated?
In a private meeting, with a second person present, state the decision clearly in the first sentences, give the reason briefly and consistently with earlier discussions, allow the person to react, then explain the terms and next steps and hand over a confirming letter.
What should you not say when firing someone?
Avoid small talk, euphemisms such as “going in a different direction”, statements about how hard it is for you, blaming others for the decision, new criticisms, false hope about the future and any reason that differs from the documented one.
What is the best day and time to terminate an employee?
Many practitioners recommend early in the week and early in the day, so the person can seek advice and begin planning without facing a weekend alone with the news. Avoid personally significant dates where possible.
How long should a termination meeting last?
Usually ten to fifteen minutes. The purpose is to communicate the decision with respect and explain what happens next, not to review or debate the history.